Wednesday, January 26, 2005

My Quandry

Dot, Dot, Dot or not to Dot, Dot, Dot...?

Medical Problems

I found out yesterday that I've got Tourette's Syndrome...FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUCK!...but anyway, I guess they say it can be controlled somewhat with medication and...FUUUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!...uh boy, I can see this is really gonna be a problem...damn.

On The Other Hand

Two strangers WILL NOT WHISTLE together in a public restroom.

A woman driving a jeep is always hot. Except in some of your Slavic regions, of course.

Two guys in a champagne MB450SL with sheepskin seat covers are always gay.

My favorite icon on the computer is "New Task" - Lets it know who's boss.

Be a dreamer - Just make sure to stay wide awake.

It bothers me that I'm probably not the first person to realize that I'm probably not the first person to realize anything.

Do a little bit of everything every day, and rest at evening in peace.

Life Such As It Is

I figure you're doing okay if you've got a roof over your head, the lights are still on, and nobody's beating you up.

Dad Gets Hit In The Balls - Again!

Anyone who edits home videos for a network show is required to be legally insane.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Hardly Working

The object of work is to make less of it and not make any more.Work, that is...'cause then you're just working more,and that's just what you don't want...you know, working more, you know what I mean? It's like way too hard, all that extra work...Boy, am I tired.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Future Plans

I'm starting a club, probably tomorrow. It'll be for all the people who never gave a fuck WHO the "Mole" was! Yeah, gotta lotta big things goin' on...big things...

Whut Wud You Do?

If your handicapped Dad signed up for a course entitled "Belly Dancing for Quads"?

If your heavily Italian Mom was actually TRYING to grow a mustache?

If you saw a lifeguard wearing "floaties"?

If the only way to pray was while you were on fire?

If your thumbs weren't opposable, but you had always wanted to play XBOX professionally?

If ignoring April Fool's Day was punishable by death?

If it was legal to ride dogs?

If your coach was the only person to notice the "No Fear" tatt on your scrotum?

If knowing how to use a hot-glue gun, and enjoying flower craft, beading, scrapbooking, and making finger sandwiches was actually a turn-on to women?

If Micheal Jackson told you that "You look funny today"?

My Theory of Relativity

Time sure flies when you're putting things off.

Social Order

The ability to maintain insurance, a valid driver's license, and current registration is, I think, the only thing really separating "them" from "us".

Eastern Philosophy

For someone who's so into the whole Yin-Yang philosophy thing, how come I still can't balance my stupid checkbook?

Wipe Your Bench!

Working out when you're over 40 is always a little different than when you were younger - You try to do it with just as much conviction, but without sweating.

Some Day

The first thing I'm getting if I win the Lottery is a "tiny person" to ride around on my shoulders all day and just rub my neck.

Lookit...

To put things in perspective, try to see everything as a larger version of something smaller.

I'm So Sure...

Scientists at MIT Community College have calculated that if the Super Bowl and the Oscars were both held on New Year's Eve, the Earth would explode.
But Dick Clark would survive!

Ton


If I had a band, I'd name it "Ton". Has a
nice ring to it. Ton...
"Have you seen Ton?"
"Ton's cool! Ton is AWESOME!"
"Ton's heavy!"
"Ton's opening for Saliva!"
"We want Ton! We want Ton!"
"Ton! Ton! Ton!" Ladies and gentlemen...Ton!"


"Remember Ton?"
"Whatever happened to Ton?"
"Man, Ton sucks!"
"Really..."

Young Love

Call me a hopeless
romantic, but I truly
believe that Elian
Gonzales and Jon Benet
Ramsey would have made
a real cute couple.

Work

If WORK can be defined as something we try to get over with as quickly as possible, and something we love to do can take forever, does that help to explain why porno actors are so confused?

Initiative

Dont look for a niche to climb into - carve one out for yourself. Carve it out, climb in, and call it Sanctuary. And don't forget to put up a monitored electric fence.

Is That Your Final Answer?

In case it ever comes up, the first person to be recognized in the modern era as knowing the most trivia was Anthony Pellagrazia, from Cooperstown,Pennsylvania, a Yugoslav-Italian immigrant baker who lived his entire adult life dressed as Margaret Dumont, the silent-screen star of the old Mack Sennett comedies. A competition was held at the 1936 St.Louis Fair and Exposition in the MGM "Wheel of Progress" Pavillion as a promotion for the Encyclopedia Britannica Almanac and Tractor Company (which later became just plain old Encyclopedia Britannica), and Mr.Pelligrazia was crowned "Mr.Big-Shot Know It All" by master of ceremonies Walter Winchell, later of greasy donut fame. Anthony won again in Helsinki in '39, but failed to qualify for Rome the next year, as he had drunkenly misplaced his airline ticket. He and Mr.Winchell were wed in 1941, and let's see...I believe he died in 1970 as a result of choking on a frayed garter belt, and here's something else - He was blind, pigeon-toed, and stood over 7 FEET TALL! Who knew?